Glad that this full moon is over. I went deep, too deep and needed time again to recover and reflect.
The reason for my emotional disturbance was the appearance of an “Angel”, a physical reflection of a good looking woman who had found the key to the box in which I had carefully hidden my intense emotions.
“I have looked at a Youtube video of yours of 2010. You have aged much more than 7 years. What has happened?”
At first this observation was for me a clear message of rejection in the shape of – you are too old for me – even when no real personal engagement (other than inner, confusing and selfish desires) had been subject of discussion. The innocent question blew me emotionally apart. The moon was full and I am a sensitive person, committed to life and dedicated to the responsibilities that had been thrown at me by the patterns of extreme experiences. My personal challenges in life had opened my heart, mind and soul to the complexities of human evolution. Deeper awareness is not a nice state of mind. It reveales behavioral realities that need to be ajusted in order to safeguard the wellness of our human species as whole and its symbiotic interaction with our surroundings. For 15 years now I have been dedicated as single father to the raising of my children, affected by the pressure of financial, corrupt banking and governance. It developed my personal awareness, desire and talented ability to define and create a new common reality.
Two broken marriages and the intense suffering for the wellbeing of myself, my children and eventually the analogy with the rest of the human world, had made me aware that change was needed. My personal mission was based on the deeper awareness out of which eventually Sustainocracy was born. At first I represented a “single person’s global society” and gradually other people and institutions joined in work programs out of their self interest, sometimes engaged from awareness themselves, sometimes simply because of the survival mechanisms they found by participating. “Angel” appeared in one of those settings and captured the emotions of many, including me. This is not strange and had happened many times before. Awareness driven cocreation is based on love, trust and commitment, getting not only the best out of people but also shaping personal relationships that can be confusing and even erotic.
The only difference this time was that it was full moon, emotions were set and the personal interaction with this “Angel” became a confrontation with my hidden inner feelings and ego. 15 years of dedication and investment in a new global way of life had left its marking in my appearance. Her question was relevant, my emotional inner reaction was not. My life had evolved around three core missions:
- Assuring the wellbeing of my children
- Eliminating the poison of the system of financial surpression
- Creating and guiding communities around the Sustainocratic core values
The enormous pains suffered had been hidden away and powerfully locked up with a key that I had thrown far away. My mission focused on community relationships and did not allow for new personal relationships. This “Angel” had found that key and confronted me with 15 years of emotional community wealth but the missing of a partner to share my life and intimacy with. Potential candidates had presented themselves but never had been able to penetrate my deeper self, harnessed as I was against new suffering. I enjoyed the community love and took satisfaction from this, but it is not the same.
“You have sacrificed yourself for all human beings.” No, I don’t see it as a sacrifice. It has been an investment primarily in my children and all children. In a particular context 15 years ago (and 21 years ago) I had to make my decisions, like any human being does all the time. A choice has two sides, the one of the choice itself and the one of all the options that are dropped. It was difficult enough for me to provide securities for my children and hence impossible to dedicate time at looking for a new partner. Women who presented themselves demanded space and time that I could not offer at the expense of sacrificing on any of the three missions at hand. The detoxication of the powerful system did not offer any security either for a partner so I became convinced that this had to be done by me alone. 15 years pass by in a wimp but is a long time when looking back.
The presence of a good looking woman opened up the box of Pandora and made me aware of the intense missing of such fundament of human life. For a short while I was emerged in self pity again, with tears and sense of desire to repare this huge painful gap in my existance. “Angel” did not want to fill the gap and presented herself as mere messenger. This confused me even more. Anger filled me in combination with my inner emotions as I tried to get to terms with the idea why anyone should come into my life to upset me like this?
Then I came to terms again with my choices and the enormous wealth and power of my commitment. “Angel” had appeared to wake me up and assure that I am still a human being, not a robot of my own methods. My choices are good, have been good. I develop them without the presence of a physical personal partner, for obvious reasons. I am surrounded with love of many people who fullful everything except the joy of personal intimacy. This is a minor missing in view of the abundance of blessing I get from my surroundings. My intense visible aging is not because of suffering but the intense joy I take in making a difference. My wrinkles are not scars but deep lines of the love I experience by sharing. My slight bent forward is not because of the pressure of the world on my back but the humble bow forward to the beauty of life that has reveiled itself to me.
“You have this special power over people, like a Mick Jagger with music you deal with communities”. Wow, this is some kind of feedback. I do my best and love to see the groups bonding with positive energy and become productive beyond imagination. It indeed worries me that some of this success is related to me as a person. What happens when I disappear? Can this energy be generalized and captured as an outside source that is not personlized? I don’t want to be a Mick Jagger of community building, I prefer to be the inspiration that helps others to do this. That is the next step maybe. To let go and allow others to take over. Maybe it is not too late then for the emotional gap to be filled by new relationships in which personal ones can not be excluded. Stepping eventually out of the arena and take a joy from the tribune, sharing laughter, love and admiration with an alter ego that may feel the comfort of being there with me.
The music of life makes us desire, commitment, laugh, love and suffer. That is life. It has its phases and I need to deal with them too. Thankyou “Angel”. She made me aware – again – and in four days time made me age 10 years more, my way of aging though ;-). The full moon and “Angel” is gone. We get back to our life, strengthend by the choices that are once more confirmed and whole heartedly committed to. Grateful, not selfish. I have decided to leave the box unlocked now and allow my emotions to be part of my life, healing what ever needs to be healed.
With love, tears and dedication.